Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
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me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson