Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
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every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.