LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
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my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
#Caturday
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
craving $300 all of a sudden
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.