[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
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the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
A woman drives into a bar.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.