I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
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The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”