Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
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The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I don’t think my car can fly
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”