[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
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Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*