[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
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“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
me and my fake scenarios
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!