[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
You Might Also Like
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality