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Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne