“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
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I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo