Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
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Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Hello, my name is Pierre.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.