Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
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After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows