I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
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Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
technically true but not a great slogan
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.