I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
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My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
i dont have time for this