Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
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[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Sex so good you see dead people.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
just make the entire table out of coaster
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy