were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
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bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
twitter users today:
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.