Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
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*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?