Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
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9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down