*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
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My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years