How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
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Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not