Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
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If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
there’s probably a fee though
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.