I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
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Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…