I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
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I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!