I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
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Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.