If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
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I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting