To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
You Might Also Like
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.