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“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.