Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
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Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.