[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
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Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged