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We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
This is a true ally.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.