– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
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[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
According to math, I’m broke
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.