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You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
canโt believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby โbabyโ
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed IโM DYING,โ so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, โI know. He got that from me.โ
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Thatโs not how days work.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now โmotherโ. So formal all of a sudden.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.