DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
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Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
*frowns in Scottish*
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.