All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
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[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.