If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
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me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”