INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
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Is….Is this an option?
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.