Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
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My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Very good! 👍😂
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
groan^2
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
So the ex texted me
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong