Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
You Might Also Like
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Haha! 😂
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.