you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
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This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol