A comma is just a period with a mullet.
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wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
“Sheer Arrogance”
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group