ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
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It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”