Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
You Might Also Like
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
When you’re here for the treats.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”