Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.