[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
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Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I already tried new things thanks.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.