Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
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Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I’m an avid indoorsman.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…