Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
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My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress