I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
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Going into Monday like
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I’d use my best pan on you.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Attacked by a mop.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.