I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
You Might Also Like
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice