I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
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Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper